Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone by Matt Groening
RELATIONSHIPS
First of all, a man does not call a relationship — he refers to it as
"that time when me and Suzie were doin' it on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go.
Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call
and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know
that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call,
and 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that
offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.
SEX
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay.
Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as
adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also
feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful
work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by
the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's"
with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.
Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
COMEDY
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television,
and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very
excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of
Curly, man's favorite Stooge.
The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom — a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a
bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.
GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and
buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter
than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop
him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on
Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When
a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she
will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same
pair of shoes all day.
LEG WARMERS
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A
man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
GOING OUT
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a
woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon
as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.
LOW BLOWS
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the
boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have
hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings,
funerals.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women
think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
LAUNDRY
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years
ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love,
American Style."
WEDDINGS
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".
SOCKS
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear
strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of
clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
NICKNAMES
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call
each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and
Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as
Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT
... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
their check, out come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors,
spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE
When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these
changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform
reaction — he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send
short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks,
and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.
DIRECTIONS
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a
sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in
a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've
found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general
neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was
wrong was General George Custer.
RICHARD GERE
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health
club and dates only married women.
MADONNA
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
TOYS
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or
12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they
get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers
and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command.
Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.
PLANTS
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment
full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
CAMERAS
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the
art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase
Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
LOCKER ROOMS
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one
thing in the locker — sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are
extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
GARAGES
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in
garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
MOVIES
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The
only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is
another reason why men hate him.
JEWELRY
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer
named Vic.
SPORT ARENAS
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The
women usually end up following men.
TIME
When a woman says she'll be reedy to go out in five more minutes, she's using
the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five
minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
CONVERSATION
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great
movie."
"What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."
"Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys",
etc.
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by
saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks
lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last
night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
FRIENDS
Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say
about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or
"Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women
who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And
never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, "Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want
to join me?"
If you have a favorite joke, please send
it to me. I'd be happy to post it on my site.
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